I sit here at 11:53

And I don't feel special. I'm not the smartest. I'm not the most athletic. I am not musical, I am not naturally talented. I'm not the best artist, I am not good at spelling, I don't feel deep, I don't accomplish much, I don't have much to show for 16 years, I am hardly ambitious, I'm not the best looking, I don't get along well, I don't feel comfortable, I am small.

I sit here at 11:57 and reread what I just put down on the Internet where people from anywhere at anytime who don't give a damn could potentially read and reread what I write and maybe give a damn.

I sit here at 11:59 and think about how on earth I can be so lucky to have the people in my life that I do. How could there not be some divine intelligence laughing and making witty jokes out of my life for mine and the higher powers enjoyment.

I sit here at 12:00 and I think to myself, I want a white tea with peach and papaya.

I'm sated. Where was I?

Oh yes, relationships are what life must be all about. I can't share my complexity with a nice leather couch, or a cup of kool aid, or anything bought. (A hooker listening to your sob stories after a long hard night doesn't count)

What makes life worth it, it must be sharing my thoughts, my opinions, my hopes and dreams with someone who can give back, who does the same things, shares the same basic, and if I'm lucky, the same complex concerns. To know I'm not alone... I can't imagine being a God or something, having no peer. But then again a God doesn't have the silly feelings a human might...

I'm glad I am not alone out in this terribly big world. It's a small world after all...who the hell came up with that? They must have had it good, to lead a simple enough life to call this world small. Ignorance is bliss indeed.

So, is this ability to think outside of boundaries a blessing or curse? If I could only see what was totally realistic, or what I needed to survive and be comfortable, then wouldn't I be happier? Ignorance would be amazing. I could never imagine a worst cage in my mental state right now, but without thinking about everything like I'm cursed to do I would lead a simple, ever so happy existence.

It must mean something, why else would "Adam have eaten of the tree of knowledge"?

It's a heavy burden, this whole awareness deal, thank god there are a lot of us humans to share the load, and thank god I can turn it off sometimes. One painful part of awareness is the fact that I can look into the future and inevitably see my death. Now now, we've all tried to figure out something about the "afterlife" or lack thereof. If you haven't then your behind on the whole being human package. Abbie told me that she believes that whatever the said person thinks is going to happen happens. Christians believe that everyone who has a relationship with Jesus of 2000 billion years ago will somehow find themselves in "heaven"... Hindu's believe that through countless lives and rebirths you might chance upon enlightenment, basically you are a God, you see everything.

I think those are a bunch of cute Ideas, but it's not what I made for myself. I'll never put in words what I believe because it shouldn't matter to anyone, this is why I like Abbie's more than any world religion, it comes close to mine. Religion is your own quest.

So, I sit here at 12:26 and feel drained but happy. I vented again, and tuned some of my thoughts into a comprehensible piece of literature. Ah the vortex of the mind, so untamable, unpredictable, and oh so fun to play with.