How does it feel

When you effectively hurt someones life forever.

Its not on purpose, but it hurts all the same.

When its someone you care about, and you know they will never be the same.

When someone hits a child, for say, killing them in a car accident that wasn't their fault because the kid ran out in front with no warning, they still have to live with it for the rest of their life. They have to live with what they took away.

Its not that extreme.

But it hurts all the same.

I asked how it feels. I know how it feels now.

It feels like I can never be clean. Like oily red marks on a white canvas. Its bitter so that I shiver in a burning hot shower. When someone is let down by a person they should be able to count on, deserve to be able to count on, need to be able to count on, its unforgivable.

There will be no restart button. No way to fix shit up. I will be 30 and if the thought comes up it will be as crippling as it is today. I will be 65 and when the thought comes up it will end my life.

How can anything be right when with all my good intention I manage to only scar for life a life I loved.

What does a human do to mess up so bad.

I curse conscienceness for what it will forever do to the existence of Kyle Larsen.

So, GODDAMN stupid.