Summer

My last blog.

Nobody but worth will read.

But summer is here and I no longer care

and here so I finish my lede



This is the body, where I'll state I wanna boat

I want sun, I want a summer note.

I want sleep, work sucks!

Rhyming is to hard, why should I try. Summer is here, it doesnt matter.

Ill work 2 days a week, and play the rest.

Thats the life!

My mom taught me a lesson the other day.

-Don't let someone become the center of your universe.

Its a damn good lesson

Wet Sands

My theory isn't perfect, but its close

I don't think you form in the wet sand. Well, I do.

I always jump when the big black fish eats me.

I always sing when the new day greets me.

We're just two lost souls swimming in a fishbowl

I need to not abuse such things that will ruin me forever. Does your mind ever recover from such hurtful rushes and experiences or am I to be lost forever?

Crimson,
and Clover
Over And Over.

I wonder if I'll ever have the balls to start up something bigger than myself again. To see a human in the light of love. I find it hard to beleive that shit exists anyways. It never lasts, doesn't seem like its something that CAN last, and it has yet to prove itself to me. Has yet to prove its worth.

I want to feel a connection with someone though. Something intimate. Something crazy and unexpected. I want to prove to myself that its not me vs the world. It could be me AND you vs the world. I need a partner.

But I've been scarred on the inside too bad to let myself fall for that again. It will never work, and I can't stand trying over and over again. Its too much.

Later

In accordance to weather

I must say im happy about seeing an open lake thats reflecting a beautiful blue sky. I must say Im happy about seeing rolling thunderheads in the distance, a feeling of wind on my face with the windows down in the free van.

I've missed squinting into the sun.

Music sounds better. The bass is nice, only if people are outside walking to hear it

Everyone is happy. Happier for the same reasons Im happier. Vitamin D helps the mood along grand.

I gotta go finish putting stuff in the lake, the dock is what I mean by stuff.

I dont mind this work at all, its a sign of things to come. My boats in and the sun is shining and Im happy working or chilling =!)

Weee!

ARIZONA TRIP!

So, Arizona. Palm trees. Cactus. Dirt and sand. Sunsets. Sunburns. Wedding bands.


When I said cactus, I was not kidding around.











I hadn't seen my Aunt Lisa or cousins Maggie and Lauren for years. It was unreasonable. They are a lot of fun, artistic, cool, mature, etc. I wish we had a better relationship. I wish I lived in Arizona.


Lauren is engaged to a fun guy named Worth. He is a cool dude, great with music, pretty funny, and with straight up awesome buisness sense.


Yeah so we went to the grand canyon the day after me and my dad flew in. Twas great, I mean that is the biggest hole. Its rediculous. Pictures do not give it justice. I suggest to anyone who enjoys the joys of a view that kicks toosh to visit the heck out of these canyons.











And see phoenix. Its a sprawling city of palms and sun. Hooker joints and nice hotels. It's pretty ballin.


Be careful by the way, the sun does not kid around there. I sat on the porch for like 12 minutes (Exactly 12, yes.) and I enjoyed the burn.


My aunt got married. He's a really nice guy, I didn't really get the chance to talk to him much but from what I saw he was laid back and fun hearted.



I would love to live in Arizona. I love heat, Hate cold. I get cold over easily, and I live in Minnesota! For GOD sake! what is with that!





You know, I spent a good amount of the trip doing homework. I come home and then I get a HUGE amount of homework! Im so flooded. This week has been a hell.

But what can you do? I needed a small break, and I got twice as much stress. Yay. I can't wait for summer, not to be cliche.





My tie was so studly. I never wanted to take it off, and by that Im kidding. I dont know what possessed man to invent and wear the tie. Its tight, it flops everywhere, and drags through food with a mind of its own. Ugh shoot

Please enter your security code

So I guess I'll sit down on the computer. Didn't come here thinking I would blog, but thats what goes.

If you don't have a story, you don't write. Its basic. But I must write for that all important A that keeps the academic letters coming. Mail from prestigious colleges. Leadership programs sending me "Congratulations Kyle. Due to your academic blah blah"

Well guess what, I know your bull. Before my name there is always a comma. You think I'm that dumb? It doesn't make sense. Your a college sending me a letter cause you think i'm good, you try to make me feel special. But really im just a number.

After you awkwardly say my name 4 times in the letter after the commas where I'm magically inserted, you give me a long meaningless number! Thats what I really am, as far as your concerned. Sign in as your number, contact us using your number, blah. I don't need that. My name is Kyle.

Plus you don't know me. I suppose its best you don't try to kid yourself into using my name at all. I might have straight A's but that could change any quarter. I could get sick a week, and get a B in a class, but be the same person. Same intellegence level. And yet there goes letters from Ivy league colleges. Shoot...

I'm just ranting. Im in a post sick haze. I won't even describe the torture I went through thursday at 2 am.

Lets say I'd rather die than go through it again.

And lets say Im not kidding when I say that. At all!

But hey, I've eaten 2 half decent meals now without violent rejection, though I do feel a bit funky.

I lost 12 pounds.

I can't imagine having to run track again. With soccer right after. I can't even walk the dogs.

DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH HOMEWORK I HAVE! God dang, just two days and I'm going to have to struggle twice as hard for a whole week. I don't understand how kids miss so much school and even pass class. I'd rather drop out and try to invent something than miss tons of school and have to do make up work. Its hell.

This weekend blew

Well it wasn't all bad, In fact I had one or two moments I'll forever cherish. But thats for me to know about and you to never find out.

But the rest of it sucked. Everything fell through. Nobody called me up to make plans. I kind of tested that actually, I always have to take the initiative to hang with certain groups, and if I don't im not included. So this weekend I decided to see what would happen if I didn't text anyone first, didn't make any plans first. Know what happened?

Nothing. Thanks guys, hope you all had a good time while I sat around.

I have got some way good reading in though, so screw all of you. Doesn't even matter.

Bugs

There are millions and millions of humans out there. That is a lot. I mean jeez you couldn't in 500 lifetimes start to understand the complex stories of each.

What about insects. How do we know they don't secretly have advanced minds and they hide it from us? You can't prove me wrong! There are billions and billions and billions of bugs everywhere on the planet! They must be damn good at life. Better than us anyways. We've struggled for a long time, though now we are doing decent. We still wipe bug butt though compared to their numbers.

Holy smokes, what if there are massive king bugs made of diamond underground and are just now finally reaching the surface of the earth and we haven't a clue where they will strike, or even about their impending strike!

They would eat us and shit a new material in which we could make eternal renewable energy! The united states must act on this, declaring war on Ethiopia and Israel to gather slaves to feed this mighty bugs and keep America going strong. This would require harnessing these bugs which will be no small task, because the king bugs will be able to control all of earths 6 legged creatures!

We shall mass produce bug-be-gone like the world has never seen!

It will be worst than nuclear war though, the pollution of the insect killing chemicals will effect all water on earth and kill every life form on earth. Creating a massive shell of lifeless rock on which Zeus shall start anew the Aryan race that the reincarnated Adolf Hitler shall rule over for eternity.

In this world a boy named Ulbert will climb the political ladder as a pope and secretary directly under the great Hitler. Only he will have the power to usurp the mighty leader without Zeus getting too angry.

Nobody wants that. Nobody wants yellow fever either. Its painful, deadly if not treated, and caused much strife in the middle ages up to the modern era.

But you take what you get, you win some you lose some!

So get over it, and go to school tomorrow.

Pillows

Ah, the lush feeling of a plump pillow.

What better object of comfort does the civilized world own? None. A haven for the humans most important asset, the brain, which resides in the head. The average head will spend a good third of its lifetime rested upon a pillow.

Wether for show or for luxurious residence, the pillow is essential to the beds function and aesthetic appeal. A pillow, if used right, can help ease back and neck pain.

And in the same light a pillow can be used to smother and kill someone silently and effectively.

Mock war is often displayed by children using pillows.

Why are pillows so often white? Such an inconvenient color. So stainable by bacteria infested spittle from the mouth. What if you want to eat on your bed? Instant stain hazard, which one then gets to live with next to their face.

Ah, anyways, pillows must be a pretty big industry. Most everyone has one, and many have more. Thats a many million pillows! Good business there. I should invest, as the worlds population is increasing and every head deserves a pillow.

Have you ever had a memory foam pillow? Now that is nice stuff. It is what I have and I wouldn't trade it for any other. Well, maybe a nice felt pillow or a heated pillow. Dang.

Anyways, the point is, you should think more about pillows. They tend to go ignored, and they are an important asset to world culture.

Chinese Food

Oh, my god. What can I say, there is nothing better than saucy chicken, rice, and tasty chinese deserts. Wait there is, ENDLESS amounts of saucy chicken, rice, and tasty deserts.

Micky D's doesn't stand a chance. Wendies basically owes them money so they can exist without chinese places owning their lifes.

Taco Bell? Ha, good one. CHINA BUFFET FOOL!

Pointless Blog? Ha, got that right. SCHOOL REQUIREMENTS FOOL!

I could never ice fish. Like, fishing off a pontoon on a majestic lake in the light of a summer sun-set, I can deal. But sitting in a cold, small room sticking string down an icy hole hoping to catch a pathetic fountain lake fish. No. Its just an excuse to drink a lot of beer.

So tigers roar was decent, if anything Dan, Jacks, and Jeffs single ladies dance made up for anything and everything that wasn't spleen splitting greatness.

When is prom anyways? I think I need to get my tux soon huh...

Ink pens are worthless

Who needs anything but solid friends?

people who eat food and stuff I guess, but other than that nobody!

Everything else is an unneeded luxury, of which is usually to much and just annoying.

Like god, people to depend on. People I know will be there in the future. I don't have to worry about all the shit inbetween because at the end of it all I know she/they will be there.

Girlfriends come and go, grade reports come and go, none if it is all that important. I needed something that could last, and I fricken got it.

Carefree...haha

After the completion of a massive and painful project, one gets the feeling that a horse is no longer standing on ones ribs.

After long draughts of being "in the dark" accounting for an important bit of ones existence, reaching a conclusion and finalizing said solution does approximately the same for ya.

I feel that I must shove everything behind me and commence upon a fresh page. My favorite characters will star in new scenes. I must explore, expand, and gather many things anew.

Why read the same page over and over? I've nailed my lines, time to move to richer pages.

Whiter pages, upon which I shall enscribe my own runes.

It is time now, and I will sieze it and use it. Take heed world, I am coming and I am pissed, in a good way.

Which cancel eachother, so really I just am, which means I can make myself what I want to.

Haha just kidding, time to do math.

Column

This was my J10 Column.

Welcome to the “Dark” Side

One hears atheism and thinks Evil, Voodoo, and Hell. I remember when I followed those jaded guidelines, like, two months ago. But alas, I find myself tightly interwoven with an aspiring atheist, and my views are forever changed.

Atheism is not evil.

Born and raised of a Midwest small-town, 99.9 percent of everything in my life is Christian, 0.03 are cults, and the remaining 0.07 is atheist/other. That 0.07 comes as a real shocker. (Well I suppose the percent of cult might count here, but thats another story)

I'd simply never been exposed. I was convinced I'd just be a Liberal Christian (Basically, I would take the morals of religion seriously but not so much the specific bible quotes as true) forever and that would be that. But that would be that came not to be that. -Sorry about the weird sentence, but I couldn't resist.

Once one string was unraveled in my Christian views the rest quickly followed suit. The Bible simply contradicts itself too much. It's, to me, a book filled to the brim with who was born unto whom before even my greatest of grandpas was born. What also doesn't help things along is when it starts to talk about how to correctly treat your slaves. Or when it mentions that you should stone to death any who commit adultery. This doesn't make sense when its put next to Mr. compassionate and forgiving Jesus. For not believing he is my only savior and chance at eternal heaven after death, I don't think I'll go to hell, nobody knows for sure. I'll take my chances.

"The entirety of atheism is contained in this response. Atheism is not a philosophy; it is not even a view of the world; it is simply an admission of the obvious. In fact, "atheism" is a term that should not even exist. No one ever needs to identify himself as a "non-astrologer" or a "non-alchemist". We do not have words for people who doubt that Elvis is still alive or that aliens have traversed the galaxy only to molest ranchers and their cattle. Atheism is nothing more than the noises reasonable people make in the presence of unjustified religious belief."

This is one of many thought provoking quotes from the book “Letter to a Christian Nation” by Sam Harris. I strongly suggest one reads this book, I'm not trying to convert anyone but seeing arguments from both sides may make extreme believers less stubborn.

You might wonder why I just went on this whole schpeal, so here is my blunt message to you.

-Religious hypocrites, do not judge those who do not believe what you believe, it's ridiculous. Who gives you the right to judge? Are you assuming your God's powers here? Didn't people kill Jesus for that reason? Hmmm.

-And as a second thought, I think your hindering society with the stem cell rubbish. The medical possibilities that come with this research are mind boggling, you should read up on it. We could someday regrow arms and legs for gosh sake.

So before you condemn atheism, or any other religion/belief, as evil, try to be less single minded. Dogs and caterpillars are single minded, humans aren't or shouldn't be. It's a gift we have.

Summer

Deep down, after I complain and complain sometimes quite bitterly, I do know that summer is so special because of our son of a ____ winter.

When thoroughly frozen for 6 months straight, tortured for a month or two with random 50 degree days and sudden ice storms, summer is just blissful satisfaction.

A sunburn. Enough said there.

I get more done in the summer. That's a lie, but I have more time because I'm not in the shower for 30 minutes. The bath until the water is just sorta warm.

Don't get me started with the time having no school/homework gives you.

You know what? I almost WANT a mosquito bite.

Whats new with Kyky.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

How does it feel

When you effectively hurt someones life forever.

Its not on purpose, but it hurts all the same.

When its someone you care about, and you know they will never be the same.

When someone hits a child, for say, killing them in a car accident that wasn't their fault because the kid ran out in front with no warning, they still have to live with it for the rest of their life. They have to live with what they took away.

Its not that extreme.

But it hurts all the same.

I asked how it feels. I know how it feels now.

It feels like I can never be clean. Like oily red marks on a white canvas. Its bitter so that I shiver in a burning hot shower. When someone is let down by a person they should be able to count on, deserve to be able to count on, need to be able to count on, its unforgivable.

There will be no restart button. No way to fix shit up. I will be 30 and if the thought comes up it will be as crippling as it is today. I will be 65 and when the thought comes up it will end my life.

How can anything be right when with all my good intention I manage to only scar for life a life I loved.

What does a human do to mess up so bad.

I curse conscienceness for what it will forever do to the existence of Kyle Larsen.

So, GODDAMN stupid.

When the day comes

It will go away, just as fast as any day.

I'll forget it soon enough, it'll mix and blur its way into oblivion, just a scratch in my sub conscience.

I'll forget names and places, facts and faces.

What did I do on my second day in Yellowstone? How could I forget that was one of my favorite vacations?

Thing is, I couldn't tell you to save my life.

But that doesn't really matter does it? I still have so much to go through I shouldn't worry about memories until I'm old and have nothing left to do.

I can't remember that today though, god knows what I'll know in 30, 40, 50+ years?

God....nothing?

Oh well, whatever I do still stays with me because it affects my subconscious decision making ever so slightly.

Thats all I need because I live in the moment.

Mature...ish

I feel grown up.

I can't wait to move out, I mean common an apartment, no bedtime, no rules just don't piss off the landlord.

It's going to be too much fun, more responsibility than I could handle, and I'll get burnt out and sick of it fast before I get used to it, but for now I can dream of the good times I'll have in a shitty room with a mattress, TV, and microwave.

The privacy will mess up my life. I'll lose all hope of morallity most likely.

But maybe not.

In this last year I feel much more grown up. So much has happened that I would have never guess possible even just 6 months ago. I've seen, done, felt things that I didn't know existed except maybe in imagination.

I feel like I have gone through more this year than my other 15 combined plus 3 minus 1 times 2.

It is exciting, I handle things better. Problems just don't seem like the end of the world now. Basically I can see straight where the edges were once blurry. I can start making a plan and get off my lazy ass. I need to stretch!

Yet, in another year, at my pace I'll look back at this and think wow what a little loser snot I was...

Funny how it works like that all the time, I mean go back in time a year and I would have been like, im on top of the world compared to the year before. Its like a line of never ending betterness and I like it.

Whats the Point?

Always asking this to myself, at least lately.

Nothing is solid, I thought for sure I had something solid, and I'm trying the best I can to keep it that way, but no matter how hard I try shit happens, and it slips away.

Humans are mushy, they change to much. I change my mind too much, you change your mind to much, and yet we all want things to stay comfortable. Well GOOD LUCK.

It doesn't happen this way. Never will

I limit my political blogs

I'm sorry, I have just one message for ya'll.

Okay two...

1.) Remember people, who is going to pay for the 2 trillion dollar bailout? You thought Bush spent too much money? Ha well you have yet to complain about taxes at this rate.

2.) Capitalism is the best system mankind has, IF YOU DON'T MESS WITH IT. LET IT DO ITS THING. (This pertains to too much government regs and spending)

Ahem+10

Why was pressure invented? Not like air pressure, but like, Peer pressure, or pressure from your boss at work, pressure to do good with grades.

And I'm bouncing off the walls again.

Anyone else want to go to Florida? Cancun? California?

So today I got 3 letters from colleges advertising their prestige and talking about my upcoming adventure.

Ah! There's the "lede" I'm looking for baby!

College. The furthering of my education so I don't have to sort twine for 9 bucks an hour for the rest of my life.

But dude how am I supposed to keep a 4.0 so I can get scholarships and get to Colorado or Arizona?? I want to go there, I think that would be amazing. The desert attracts me more and more the more I think about it...more...

My junior year classes are going to just LOAD me with homework. I don't stand a chance at having a life! I can hardly do that as is, now I'll have

-School (Homework)
-Job (Bye Saturday)
-Sports (Track, Soccer)
-Friends (Ha...)
-Homework
-Homework

Ah, well I suppose that's what college will be all about.

I CAN'T wait to have an apartment of my own, no rules and a billion responsibilities, yummy!

Chaos!

At peaces

Completely Empty.

I can't remember.

I

I can't remember typing.

I can't feel my fingers.

I know I should eat.

There is fear.

I can't throw up again.

I can't feel my life twist and clench

I can't, not again.

The world expects me

I need to get missing work

They can't just leave me alone,

not for one damn day?

Leave me alone.

When everything comes down.

Saturday- Applebee's, alcohol, I'm feeling great.

Sunday (3 am)- I don't wake up in my own bed, my whole body hates me, my head feels like bent rubber.

Sunday (the sun is up)- I can't tell you how much I've thrown up, its been a rough night. But I'm with the one I love.

Sunday (afternoon)- Still throwing up about every hour, I do go home, I sleep. -Note: sleep means by the hour or two mixed in with a complete, belly bustin purge.

Monday (morning)- I think its been a few hours since I last threw up, I can walk into my bathroom without falling, its a good day.

Monday (Afternoon)- I look at edline and math sucks.

Monday (Now)- I can't say much, I should start homework, except I can't concentrate.

When everything comes down.

A natural high

So here we have a stressful life. Even a good, easy life has its amount of moments filled to the brim with frustration. Now, naturally as human beings, we look for a way to cope with these problems without blowing our brains out as a solution. When school, jobs, friends, foes, and countless other details pile up on us what do we do? Well, ideally we solve it. Solving it requires an action, and when the brain is muddled and overworked... well.... sometimes those actions create situations that are not ideal at all. Some people try to hide from these things with drugs. Sure, drugs are sweet. They make things seem fun, alter perception and make things just go away. But there are way to many negative side effects that drugs through at me to like to rely on, so I use my own escape, my own mind clearer. 

I run. 

I feel grand after a run. I can think better, I can pig out, and overall I have more energy to get things done. Its not illegal, it makes my body look decent if I do it enough, and instead of shortening my life it probably will extend it and make it healthier.

Drugs or a Run? To me its pretty self explanatory. (Winter sucks here because I can't run! So damn the cold!)

The Power of the Brain

I am told dang amazing tidbits about that purple gunk in my skull, and your skull, and his skull, etc. I sit through videos in health that say to me, YOUR BRAIN kicks some solid butt. On top of being conscience and able to power through questions, it takes care of my body in ways I can't even imagine. Constantly making thousands of small changes and maintaining my homeostasis. 

So if its capable of so many things, if it is constantly plowing through amazing amounts of information, why do people have such trouble with puny things like math, remembering the date of the October revolution, and such things like that. Why do things pass me, things I should easily pick up on, when I can sense the .1 degree change in temp. in my foot and take the measures to fix it. All this without my thought. With such powerful brains with so much potential, why are humans still so stupid? Evolution is slacking hardcore if its true. Sure we have geniuses, so why aren't those geniuses kids just as smart, if not smarter? And so on through the family line. Humans helping each other survive might hinder the whole evolution thing because the less intelligent can make a living and reproduce just fine. Maybe that's it. 

Well anyways, just some thoughts on my part, probably didn't make too much sense in a line of thought but hey just like to rant.

Cold Mountain

How had I not seen this movie before? Good lord almighty it was some decent junk!

In the past I hadn't seen my fair share of movies, I never really got into watching them. I liked the classics that everyone has seen, but I never really got much farther than that.

Lately I have realized how much better movies are than reality. I can emerge myself in the directors imagination, cut myself away from outside influences and become someone else, someone else who goes through something worth while.

Each movie has a message, and usually more than one. I come out of my movie trance feeling refreshed and a little deeper, a tad wiser for it.

I want to just be in the perfect state of tired but comfortable with a 100000 GREAT movies to watch...and I lot of good food. If there is an afterlife then I hope its something like that, maybe in an Imax theater or something.

I sit here at 11:53

And I don't feel special. I'm not the smartest. I'm not the most athletic. I am not musical, I am not naturally talented. I'm not the best artist, I am not good at spelling, I don't feel deep, I don't accomplish much, I don't have much to show for 16 years, I am hardly ambitious, I'm not the best looking, I don't get along well, I don't feel comfortable, I am small.

I sit here at 11:57 and reread what I just put down on the Internet where people from anywhere at anytime who don't give a damn could potentially read and reread what I write and maybe give a damn.

I sit here at 11:59 and think about how on earth I can be so lucky to have the people in my life that I do. How could there not be some divine intelligence laughing and making witty jokes out of my life for mine and the higher powers enjoyment.

I sit here at 12:00 and I think to myself, I want a white tea with peach and papaya.

I'm sated. Where was I?

Oh yes, relationships are what life must be all about. I can't share my complexity with a nice leather couch, or a cup of kool aid, or anything bought. (A hooker listening to your sob stories after a long hard night doesn't count)

What makes life worth it, it must be sharing my thoughts, my opinions, my hopes and dreams with someone who can give back, who does the same things, shares the same basic, and if I'm lucky, the same complex concerns. To know I'm not alone... I can't imagine being a God or something, having no peer. But then again a God doesn't have the silly feelings a human might...

I'm glad I am not alone out in this terribly big world. It's a small world after all...who the hell came up with that? They must have had it good, to lead a simple enough life to call this world small. Ignorance is bliss indeed.

So, is this ability to think outside of boundaries a blessing or curse? If I could only see what was totally realistic, or what I needed to survive and be comfortable, then wouldn't I be happier? Ignorance would be amazing. I could never imagine a worst cage in my mental state right now, but without thinking about everything like I'm cursed to do I would lead a simple, ever so happy existence.

It must mean something, why else would "Adam have eaten of the tree of knowledge"?

It's a heavy burden, this whole awareness deal, thank god there are a lot of us humans to share the load, and thank god I can turn it off sometimes. One painful part of awareness is the fact that I can look into the future and inevitably see my death. Now now, we've all tried to figure out something about the "afterlife" or lack thereof. If you haven't then your behind on the whole being human package. Abbie told me that she believes that whatever the said person thinks is going to happen happens. Christians believe that everyone who has a relationship with Jesus of 2000 billion years ago will somehow find themselves in "heaven"... Hindu's believe that through countless lives and rebirths you might chance upon enlightenment, basically you are a God, you see everything.

I think those are a bunch of cute Ideas, but it's not what I made for myself. I'll never put in words what I believe because it shouldn't matter to anyone, this is why I like Abbie's more than any world religion, it comes close to mine. Religion is your own quest.

So, I sit here at 12:26 and feel drained but happy. I vented again, and tuned some of my thoughts into a comprehensible piece of literature. Ah the vortex of the mind, so untamable, unpredictable, and oh so fun to play with.

You be the judge, or please don't

Who do you think you are to judge?

Think about it, no, don't, because you don't stand a chance.

There is no way to know somebody else's motivations, the full picture they see, unless your a god or something than stop trying. 

Sure when I see some ghetto looking asian person, or a little girl, or a body builder, etc,  I instantly impress a quick image of them, I judge what there personality must be like by "my" pathetic past experience. This is so wrong and I know it but it still happens in the back of my mind even if I try to block it. I'm trying my best sorry.

God the world works in strange ways. We will never really understand, the harder we try, the harder I try, the more complicated it gets. Thinking just makes things harder sometimes.

You be the judge

"She still has a certain sexiness; a certain bohemian, good-witch sort of charm; and yet this morning she makes a tragic sight, standing so straight in her big shirt and exotic shoes, resisting the pull of gravity, a female mammoth already up to its knees in the tar, taking a rest between efforts, standing bulky and proud, almost nonchalant, pretending to contemplate the tender grasses waiting on the far back when it is beginning to know for certain that it will remain here, trapped and alone, after dark, when the jackals come out."   -The Hours by Michael Cunningham

-This is how you depress someone with writing.

You know what I like about life? It never stays the same for long. As stuck in concrete as you might think you are I believe that the possibility for change is always lurking, and tends to always happen. (So the word tends is rather inappropriate there... it kind of just solidifies my belief that nothing is for sure though huh?)

This sorta stinks when on a high in life because it means always going to come down (if my philosophy is correct of course, I could be utterly wrong, you never know, you shouldn't pay heed to a ranting adolescent) ahem, but yes it applies to lows too, I always somehow get out of them. That is of course a good thing because they suffocate me.

Today I discovered I like hardcore electronic music

Psyclone Nine, Grendel, Etc. 

It almost hurts to listen to, it kinda releases adrenaline, (As in a lot), and you can't understand the words aside from a few. Thats probably for the better.

Maybe what I like about it the most is that its so far off the beaten path. I can't think of many people who would like this stuff, and yet here I am, loving it.

Which gets me to my deeper point. Humans can be successfully compared to sheep. I know I'm not the first to say this, its in books and philosophies and such, but I'm discovering in mine and others actions just how true it is. 

I enjoy letting someone else take responsibility for many things. I let the government protect me other other masses of people. I let my mom feed me. My dad makes the money to buy things. Basically I can't take care of myself well or at all, so I follow others and more than happily let them smooth things out. This works for the whole staying alive aspect of life, but its not very satisfying and after a while I feel like a robot, zero creativity. Zero purpose. 

I want to be a leader but I don't want to put up the risk and time it takes to become one. It's so so hard to escape comfort.

But I am trying, and will struggle with my lazy self till I finally pass into the next existence, or lack thereof. 

This struggle exists because right now I am ambitious, I can think clearly through these words I write, they help me to focus on facts and theories that normally just muddle around in my brain. The problem is is that once I stop writing, my train of thought leaves pretty dang fast. It just goes away. Then Im stuck with droning through the world like another robot again.

holla bck gurl

Eye H8 "ghetto" riting

With that said, I conclude my blog.

Just kidding it's not long enough! Peeps who rite lk that shud b SHOT. Your lazy, inconsiderate, and unintelligent. All adults with any common sense look down upon you and your illegitimate and incoherent writing style.

Take 2-

i enjoy "heroes"

Netflix is God's entertainment system. I can watch entire seasons, with no commercials, in a row. Over break I watched 23 episodes of Heroes, each of which are 45 minutes long.

Take 3-

Silas freaks out, "Common, Common, COMMON, you can do this Silas!" he chants as furious typing presumes. A look of utter concentration on his face is testament to the intense variety of synapses that must be firing away in his brain. Pecking at the keyboard in random bursts of inspiration, he slowly but surely gets his review done and through. One can see from the glint in his eye that he is almost finished, or that he is a little high.

Take 4-

Abbie and I get to hang today! Woo!

Take 5-

I really really hope that I don't have to do the finals.

Take 6-

I had a terrible morning, I woke up at 7:25 and shot into the shower. My legs buckled for some reason when I tried to shoot up and so I had to wait a minute to recover. I gave up in the shower. The hot water that normally feels oh so good was painfully hot. My stomach felt like it was inside out and spilling its acidy contents into the rest of my body. So I decided to not make the knowledge bowl, I probably wouldn't have anyways.

I felt like crap! I had let people down, was physically sick, and mentally in the morning I'm just not there.

So not the best.

Take 7-

I have no friends now, all I have is Abbie and "school friends". I dunno what I'm doing to my life, I just kind of want to move somewhere warm. Arizona, oh yes. I could move in with my Aunt.

Take 8-

Take 8....That sounds funny =)

Take 9!-

Better come up with something good here quick...uh...blanking, as usual! Maybe someday I'll crack into my own brain finally and be able to use for once.

Take 10!!-

Sorry kid, but you can't act. Your Fired!

New Years Reflection

When one looks back on a whole year, can they clearly see all the somewhat major events of the year? Can they relate emotions and correct chronological order when they think back?

I can't seem to trap memories vividly enough, or in any kind of order. Talk about frustrating. Isn't that one of the greatest human traits? Self awareness and the ability to look in on the past and learn from it.

Why then, why do I not see anything aside from a mental block, a slight pressure behind my ears, when I try to think of what I did in august, or april, or what october was like.

I know you've heard times flys before, but good Jesus thats an understatement. Time F@#king warps and twists faster than atomic explosions evaporate crap. I feel the change and I know its there, and it comes and goes in different variations. In a week, I feel like mores happened than 3 months at other times. It's odd how it works. For all this clarity in what I'm trying to explain though, I cannot for the life of me pinpoint thoughts of long ago when these changes happened to relate in any accurate way what they were in an interesting fashion. -Ranting Run On

So this new years, I'll try to put down new interesting things I can actually remember--

First time I played high school fall soccer

Oh my god Im done I can't think of anything except like a month ago and everything new from there on is private.

Is this mental block a handicap? Is it normal? Why can't I see my past?!

An Impossible Review

I've been debating religious institutions of late. Religion is iffy for me at all, its a battle in which I seem to not have the heart to carry on much longer.

I'm reading a book called The Shack, and I strongly, and when I say strongly I mean seriously with all my heart you need to read it for God's sake, strongly recommend it.

It's whipping my concept of God into shape, forming it and molding it into words that make sense. It's answering questions like if you are a good God, and really all powerful, then why do you let so much pain occur, or things like do we have control of our own fate, all in tangible wording without thy or thou anywhere to be found.

Makes sense to me really, I can't get enough of it. When I'm done I have passages marked down to reread a million times to try to fully understand. I'm not the most enthusiastic God person, but this book makes me heavily regret a lack of faith in something, anything. I love it, and yet it makes me realize how barren of a wasteland I've found myself in.

Anyways, SKIING.

I cannot wait to ski here in New Hampshire, the mountains are amazingly amazing. (Yes, in this case I can indeed describe amazing with the adverb amazingly, its appropriate, it is)

It takes longer to get down the run than up it, and the lifts themselves are fun they are fast and the view is a gasp every time.

Two worries though, my foot is a pain in the rear and not healing and the sideways pressure of skiing might prove too much for my lame ligament to handle, and it could very well be ultra crowded which has the potential to really blow. Excuse the huge run on sentence.

Well, I've had more turkey than my brain can handle and function at the same time, so I check out now. Adios.

(Again, sorry for the random turn of events that this blog took...not sure why I said again either I don't think I've apologized for this yet)

Stephanie

Your the only person I trust.

I don't trust myself, I don't trust anyone in Albert Lea, I just don't trust people. I try to, really I do. But its so easily abused and misused for the personal gain of whoever holds this trust.

Trust this and trust that, what is trust anyways?


1. reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.
2. confident expectation of something; hope.

There was like 50 listings on dictionary dot com.

Anyways, trust is security. Now, this is just my opinion, but I am fond of security. I can't stand being at doubt. I could never gamble for the "fun" of it. Or at all really...

Friends seem to flow past me like river water. I grow ever distant from my parents. (This is normal though, as much as I can see) Grades change. Hell, everything changes. Personality changes. Theories change. Laws change.

This is probably why people make themselves a religion. Its as they want it to be. My God never changes. He is beyond my control, but he's not about to not be a God. He wouldn't be a God in the first place at all if he could fall from his lofty position.

Ah but Steph, you've proven to always be there. I tell you things people have never known about me, and trust you with them without hesitation.

You might someday fail me, as I might you, as is the nature of humans and most anything, but not now. Not this day, not this month, not this year. Here I have confidence.

Grades

-are a bitch. Excuse the Italian.

Without them I would have O-(Zero) None, No, Empty Set, NADA stress.

Right now, for some reason Curt doesn't have my current event notes, which is giving me an A- and thats not acceptable.

I have a big test tomorrow in math, which I am not ready for. I have a 94 in there and that could so easily go way down.

English, the worst for me for some reason, is ALWAYS on my mind. I haven't even started my dang hero project. I need to get a 96% or higher to average out the semester with an A. I can write, but altering my style and voiding myself of opinion, rigorously following the AP rules, I'm not the best at it.

Health, Spanish, and Biology are a breeze.

But any one of these classes end in something less than a solid, untainted A, I "Ruin" the record. My chances at scholarships. God knows how we will scrape up the money to go to college. I barely believe in God.

Erase this all from my life, and my future and present life would be A maze ing. I'm having fun with my life, soon I'll have a job, which means money, and I'm going to learn to kick ass at skiing. I go home and snowmobile, woo! I like my friends mostly, and I have a great love life now. Basically, I'm pumped for life. But like a stain on a white shirt, even a small stain, these freaking grades instantly attract unwanted attention. Even if I ignore this stain, in the back of my mind I know its there like an itch in the ass. I can't stand it!

Blogging

-Is hard. I want to spill to it right now. So much is happening for me, so many new things that even a week ago I couldn't imagine being apart of me.

Yet these things compose mostly of private matters, which I have a hard enough time keeping to myself as is.

I HATE WRITING ABOUT BORING EVERY DAY CRAP.

Nobody cares about these, I'm going to be bluntly realistic. Nobody in the world is going to discover my heartfelt writings. My friends probably don't even read this anymore. Mr Worth, your probably the only person who reads this and I don't think you care much about my petty life problems and experiences.

There are a jillion zillion blogs out there and mine will just get lost in them all.

Kind of same with life.

I don't aspire to do anything all that great. I don't have gifts of talent above anyone else. I'll hardly be noticed unless fate feels differently.

And who am I to mess with fate. Who am I at all?

I'm not religous. I'm not a deep thinker. My sense of self is less than par. I eat shit and sleep. Go to school. Learn about junk thats already happened and how to solve X.

I want to get away from it all. Humans are the most annoying of all organisms. Without us everything would be quiet. Blessed quiet.

Of course I don't really mean this. Its just a mood. One of a thousand that come and go.

Maybe someday it'll all settle down some. But who am I trying to kid...

Funny how life turns things about

I can hate then love the next week.

I might throw myself about too much, I'm all over the scale. Happy to sad. Bored to excited. Helpless to confident. Empty to saturated.

I want to do something fufilling that will equal me out some.

But there is no such thing.

Plus, the extremes make me happy. Either I want to be extremely rebellious. Or Extremely loyal. Well thats a lie, I can lack the extreme part of that.

I want to get in a car and drive to hell at 100 miles per hour and piss on the devil.

I want to climb a ladder for a million years to find God and ask him whats up?

I want to sleep forever, but be able to sprint away as fast as my feet will take me at any time.

I want to screw the systems of life that I have no control over in the butt and leave it forever.

I want to take advantage of these systems and get rich and powerful.

I want people to love me.

It's satisfying to hate someone.

How do you keep your head when everything contradicts like this?

You don't.

Moulin Rouge

Talk about a buzz of sound topped with a visual panoply directed specifically to excite and boggle your freaking mind.

I have seen one musical, Phantom of the Opera, live. Never a movie musical. But this, this musical blew away Phantom Live like a wind blows leaves. Not a hint of effort.

The actors and actresses, especially the important ones, were realistic at the words finest. It was a love story, and I expected to gag quiet a bit. I didn't, and I'm a hard judge. I felt real passion between them shifted into a complicated world that makes high school drama seem pathetic and pointless. Which it is, in my point. This just really illuminates the point.

She- A whore, the top of the line at the Moulin Rouge. She is paid to boost a man's pleasure and act as if he is truly inspiring emotions and lusts. Only in it in hopes to find a man of power that could give her security and a life as an actress. She is to hit up the duke.

He- A boy brought up by a strict father. A writer. An excellent writer. Another man escaped to the city of France, attracted by the opportunities a revolution laid down.

Both have silky voices that induce pleasureful feelings.

I'm not going to go over a huge plot summary because I don't feel skilled enough to properly do that and give the movie the credit it deserves.

Sorry.

I watched this with Kate after a day's worth of other movies such as The Great Gaspy, The Rainmaker, and Mr Smith goes to Washington. A lot of sugar and caffiene was taken in. So when Moulin Rouge came around I must have been in a great mood for it swept me away. I became hooked. I even stopped in the middle of the text I was on when it started.

...the end.

Sisterhood

I Love my sister Kristina. During our time in California, we spent a good amount of it together. Whether it be shopping or sitting on a subway, I always felt close to her, and I realized that she would always be there for me. Family never stops being. A friend may come and go, and Im sure you've heard this a million times, but family is always there. My sister may well outlive me. We share this crazy life on earth together, and I'm glad that, maybe not always by our own choice, we are stuck together to endure this existance as a team.

Californication

San Fransisco. Home of the Golden Gate and Bay Bridge. Home of the Trolly Cars. Home of Nob Hill, the craziest street in America. Home of a LOAD of Hobos.

Here's my trip in a Nutshell

-Woke up at 4 in the morning to catch the plane. Travelled all thanksgiving, then that night gained what was it, 6 pounds? Yes, 6 pounds of solid food. I wish I had taken a picture of the food.

-Checked into out hotel. Sleep sleep sleep. Woke up. Did a brisk walk to Fishermans Warf, a great place. I met a metal man there!

After that we went back to the hotel and crashed for like 5 hours to catch up on the jetlag.

That night was my first encounter with the subway hobos. They are the scariest. One of them smelled so bad that I dry heaved a little bit and had to walk away. Then there was the awesome crazy cat throwing hobo chick. She kept licking her lips and staring with cracked out eyes. It was so scary.

We went to our cousins house in the Hills that night, the same place I managed to eat 6 pounds of food. There I had about the same in leftovers. So much pie. So so much.

The next day, Saturday, was a huge day. We woke up at our leisure, thank the lord, and went to a science museum. It was so crowded that it wasn't that fun, and I blew 10 dollars on a stinky, dry sandwhich there. The one cool part was the roof, of which I have a picture. In person it was much more attractive and exciting.

The grassy domes serve two main purposes. They naturally keep the building cool in the summer and warmer in the winter, expending only the energy to water and feet them.

And there were palm trees. Enough said.

Ater that I went to the Phantom of the Opera, the musical. Probably the only cool musical out there. The cramped seats, racist against tall people, were almost worth it.

After the performance, which had me listening to the main theme song over and over again, we travelled to the bay bridge, where we chilled some with an AMAZING view while we waited for our restraunt to open.

-Note on the resturant: it cost a little over 900 dollars for the 12 of us, including two very young children, to eat. Its called the Epic Roasthouse. The Prime Rib, Creme Brulee, and Tenderloin were...maybe not worth 900 dollars but in any case quiet amazing.

That night, after feeling exceedingly guilty for eating vast amounts of food and getting almost no exercise, me and my sister ran the stairs of our 32 story hotel twice. It was hard to walk for two days after.

Saturday we woke early to get to Big Basin. Some of the most beautiful Old Growth Redwood Trees can be found here. It's humbling, to be so small and so young compared to these giants of the forest. They seem so very ancient, as if they are watching and learning, and have been doing so for hundreds of years. Majestic and strong, they are a glimps of the past. When you look at some of the biggest ones, you are looking at a tree who has survied through the callapse of Rome, the Dark ages, the Cold War. Its been through the rise and fall of Alexandar the Great, Gengis Kahn, the Soviet Union. Pure wonder, thats what it is. Proof that objects of old still exist, still live on, and will probably do so long after I've left, and even my kids, and my kid's kids.

Ha sorry about that, I just really enjoyed the hike =)

-We got lost for a little bit

Anyways, on monday we flew home, it was the one time I had computer access and I desperatly did my revise on english and did math while cramped into a small airplane seat. I got the Window seat though, so that made it better.

That's my trip in a nutshell, and because it was based on visiting family for Thanksgiving, I feel its appropriate to say I'm thankful for the trip to the fullest extent of the meaning of thankfulness. It was really a pleasure.

Friday Funnessnessfun

We skipped school to go support Amy for her state swimming!

Kate, Ari, Lynsie, Jeffy, and I.

Talk about some fun times. Kate had the music, Jeffy was funny as all get out, ari was ari, which is quiet something, and lynsie was a spaz! Which is always interesting.

We all packed into Bessy, the white van, and tore up the cities. Kate yelled last minute directions at me, and I yelled back in frustration, and it was scary. But we survived. The swim meet was just chulk full of amazing swimmers and it was warm and comfortable. We watched amy and her team swim. They did decent. Then we had chipotle, which is absolute orgasmic joy. Except too many beans, I forgot to tell them to lay off on them.

Then we drove behind kates parents forever, lost, trying to find kates bro's hockey game. I think I managed 7 Uy's by the end of it, 5 or 6 of which were illegal at busy intersections.

It was a good game, 4-3 we lost. Then we drove back, which was nice. Heat full blast, half of us sleeping, good atmosphere with ari picking the music, time pretty much stopped and I was glad of it.

I slept good that night. It was pretty great.

But now I best be getting to my current events and spanish and such!

People stuck on meds

I have never taken meds in my life, aside from a tetanus shot when I totally messed up my finger. Only because it was mandatory.

And I cheated once too, I had a huge infected blood blister and I took a something profane and it made it feel numb. I just couldn't take it.

And guess what everyone! I'm alive and quiet healthy!

Loading yourself down every time you have a headache or cold or something with enough drugs to kill a small animal just doesn't seem smart to me. I can see taking something if your on the verge of death, obviously, but common you pansies.

More people seem addicted to peptobizmal or whatever than freaking crack!

Post Dad

Sorry Mr Worth, but I'm empty tonight aside from that last post.

I procrastinated till last minute so only I'm to blame.

But grades seem silly after all this, I don't care. Give me a day and I'll get my head back on straight as far as your system requires to be properly followed.

But not this night.

Dad

Today my dad cried.

It was after church, we were in the culvers parking lot.

When we asked him why, he wasn't able to talk. We kept pressing him, and all he could manage after a thousand "whats wrong's" all we got was a "my life"

Talk about scary. Two things happens at that moment. One, my imaginary castle crumbled down as if it were made of dry sand. One of the few fortresses against the troubles of life came down in a matter of seconds, quiet randomly so. Two, I realized that life doesn't go away when you get older. It's a safeguard often used to think things will get better. When your older and mature, things like crying about your life being the shits doesn't happen any more. Guess not. He's half a century old and can still cry about something I might consider a problem.

In movies, often when a strong Father breaks down and cries, its an earth shattering, image breaking experience. I could never relate to that.

Now I can.

How can I trust this terrible earth when that can happen?

I blamed myself at first. But thats foolish, I'm only part of his problem. Yesterday he asked me many times, desperatly maybe, to go see the new James Bond. I said no, and ended up going with a friend.

That might have been the breaking point. All the stress from the election must have worked away at his walls. Because they came down.

Work isn't going well, Married life isn't what it once was, the kids are growing up and away. Well, its life. But why does life insist on being such a son of a bitch all the time?

"Material pleasures will have there equal or higher in pain"- Said somewhere in Science and Health, with Key to the Scriptures by Marry Baker Eddy. She wrote it with bigger words and in a way that made better sense, but thats the jist of it. Why?

Why did this happen to my dad?

How could it?

He doesn't deserve it. Yet it was shoved in his face without pause or mercy.

Laying golden coins for your readers entertainment

Mr. Worth, you taught me a lesson in writing. It was to lay gold coins for your reader to follow, metaphorically of course. I thought about this, and I guess I always did it subconsciously. I had never really looked in on it before, and it helps me out with my writing quiet a bit. Thanks. But that's beside my point.

Much like this simple writing tip, life just so happens to follow suit. Just when I think things are getting a bit dull fate drops another something or other on my foot. Good things, like an exciting new girl. Confusing things, like a total change in my social life. Stressful things, such as people doing their ugly tidings, trying to sabotage the ground I tread. I welcome this. It must be what they call "life". Its exciting and I like it. For better or for worse, what happens happens, and that will never ever change.

Thanks for the experience everyone, everyone who hates me, loves me, effects me, thanks. You rock my life. Seriously.

People piss me off

They are jerks, assholes, and spitefully so.

Why? do they have nothing better to do with their worthless lives than spit upon anyone that walks by?

Are they bored?

I go a little far once to write a good story, to show my point. What I wrote that people are FREAKING OUT over isn't even true, it just made the story more passionate. I made a mistake, it came upon people as slightly creepy, and I agree. I regret writing it that way. But for Jesus sake its not a big deal, get the heck over it.

Think about what your saying and doing before you take it and twist it for some kind of sick degrading entertainment.

They lost my respect, I forgive without even thinking about it, but I don't forget. They were stupid and I don't trust them. They can eat shit for all I care.

And now this is past and done, behind me, and I won't bring it up or willingly talk about it again.

Correction:

God has not failed me. He is still with me, governing me. 

Thank him, I praise him. I owe him my life in gratitude for his sanity. My harmony with him shall never wain, and it never has. I've just managed to blind my spiritual eyes with eyes that can easily be tricked. No more.

You can always go on

If Heaven and Hell decide that they both are satisfied

Illuminate the No's on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you when your soul embarks

Then I'll follow you into the dark



God has failed me.

Satan doesn't intimidate me.


My life as follows has always been according to some god be damned system. Bells rule my day. I act to please the people I am forced to be with by "fate".

Apparently all this is just a bunch of chemical and electrical reactions going on in some purple goop encased in a skull anyways.

So I've decided that I no longer believe that I can control anything, my being, what I consider is really myself, my true "I", can only observe thoughts and actions that a body does. "I" have no say in my mood, I can just tell that the body I'm attached to is feeling distressed, or joy, or indifference even.

So you might ask, what is it that controls your body then? If not you, then who or what?

My answer: Maybe God. Or maybe that purple goop in a skull called the brain does it.

But I am content to sit and watch a life go by. "My" life go by. I didn't feel like I have power over things. Yesterday I broke my foot. Now I'm forced to lay around all day and look forward to make up work in school. I have no say in this. My fate is what my doctor and teachers say it is. What am I supposed to do about it? What does it matter, I don't think I can anyways.

I am the Observer.

Titles are never the real deal.

Does anyone else live in a fog?

I could remember a day or two behind myself, and I can comprehend a day or two ahead of myself. My problem is that if asked what I did last monday I'd struggle.

I had an eye opening halloween. True friends have come back into my life, true people of whom I gave up for a fake life that seemed to glitter from a distance. A mile away, the skyline of New York is attractive. Submerged within these towers and he finds dirt and filth and suffering. Halloween reconnected him with the most solid foundation he had to stand upon. His true friends, with true feelings.

Before halloween Kyle felt two driving forces. Sex and Popularity. He endangered friendships for his groin, he falsified himself to be something others would view as "better". Confined to just this, he was blind to an open-minded and realistic reality. <---(Yes, he just used realistic as an adjective to reality, ha) Activities, memories, changes, and thoughts were all brutally filtered through A: Will it get me action? B: Will it make people like me?

Up to date, Kyle has budded from this confined seed. He is clearer of thought and action. Open to relationships that will probably never satisfy his lust, but can quench a terrible thirst for real companionship. Real Understanding. He'll accomplish something out of an inner desire, not an external pressure.

Now I feel powerful.

Kate, Ari, I've welcomed you into my life. A revelation needed is what you are.

I hope you have room in your lives for me. I hope you WANT to make room in your lives for me.

CM

Christmas Music!

As of now, I am enjoying some trans-siberian orchestra Christmas music. The flood of memorizes are staggering. 16 Christmases in my life. All filled with comforts. Filled with food. Oh the smells. Filled with family and friends, travel, presents. All in the atmosphere of Christmas music.

I feel that they are the easiest songs to sing too. Relate too. Perhaps it was the beautiful inspiration of the Christ that produced such simple yet majestic chords. They hit a string deep inside you, something not normally touched upon. Imposible to describe with words, because words aren't deep enough. You can't dig to the center of the earth with a shovel, nor can you dig into a soul with runes.

If you reside in Albert Lea, then you know that we recieve some white cold stuff today. Its also known as snow. I am excited! Looking out my window to see the pure white and black contrast of snow and tree branches. To see the snow and the still open lake. Brrrrr.

But how warm I am! Sitting by my heater, listening to my christmas jingles, I already feel the holiday induced mirth. Some might think this pre-Thanksgiving Christmas anticipation a bit extreme, well hey what can I say? It's fun, so Im going to do it.

Sadly the snow will melt, trees will be deadened with the harsh wind we faced today, and the moment to savor a bit of Christmas will pass.

Thank God humans have the ability to think on the past. It might be a curse for some. For me its a blessing. It triggers joy in antisipation for what might happen agian.

Music

Sorry about the general and rather uninteresting subject. (Actually its really interesting, music is great, but its just so used and uncreative as a subject)

Lately I think music has lost its heart. Popular music anyways. Sure, it might be catchy, but these people are trained to make it catchy and just that. Worst is that a lot of them barely write their own words. They are a pretty face and sexy body, and sometimes that's it. Even this music takes mild creativity, true, but these people are glorified as artists of music for a set beat, a bunch of synthesizer, and usually less than par lyrics. -A lot of people say this, nothing new.

Its generally pretty quick, easy, and lucrative. It all sounds the same. Its pop or rap. I have to hand it too them, good job for making money. Gaining fame. Living the life. One popular song and you have yourself a mansion and maid.

My only problem is that I cannot get the music I want on the radio, because its crowded with the "crap" that everyone else likes, or pretends to like to fit in. (Actually I don't know if that happens, but I hope it doesn't because that's sick. That's brainwashing)

So why isn't there an alternative radio station? I would think there are enough people, teenagers and the like who enjoy alternative rock, punk, etc.

I think there should be! Of course you might think, well the world doesn't revolve around you! -But I'm going to do the best to make it revolve around me as I can. That's the way the cookie crumbles...or whatever.

Easy to follow summary-

Bad music, in my opinion.
Dominates Radio
Unsatisfied Kyle.

Swearing, the F word!

F-U-C-K

Means your angry
Means insult
Means something went wrong
Means sex too

By the way I'm sorry if this is offensive to whoever is reading, but I guarantee you've heard it plenty of times in movies, in the workplace, with friends, in public, in the family, anywhere.

I think its lost its meaning. If I shouted F&@K, unless in a formal meeting or in front of a teacher, I would probably not even be taken seriously or even ignored.

Just open your ears in the hallway, or in the lunchroom, you'll get a whiff of it somewhere sometime.

It used to be radical, and radical kids are cool right? So swear up a storm to get friends dude.

I use it sometimes, to try to make a stronger point, but usually as a joke because its naughty and naughty = funny. Haha. Ha.

I should really stop, it just makes one look unintelligent. Come up with a better word maybe. Or just don't say anything at all.

Complaining.

It's funny, I can easily come up with many things to complain about that would make an up to par blog.

Why is it so easy to complain?

90 percent of the blogs I've read are complaints, and I'm sick of it to the point where I don't even read blogs anymore.

*Don't think I'm being a hypocrite here! I realize my blogs are mostly complaints.

Well I take this one to give thanks. I'll start with the basics-

-I have a family that is together and reasonable, but more importantly, a family that taught me to love.

-I have food in my belly. Yummy Chinese

-I have a beautiful house on the lake, in a basically crime free neighborhood, in a beautiful state.

-My only need not yet met is that I sort of need to go to the bathroom right now. Dang, I guess I'll have to go sit on a nice heated toilet seat in a newly redone bathroom!

Alright, so the basics for life are easily met with luxury for the most part. With just that I shouldn't be complaining.

Here are some blessings-

-I've got good friends

-I have straight A's

-I do decent in sports

-I'm not butt ugly, I think

-I have many opportunities to go on trips and vacations for no reason but pleasure

-I live in the most successful and free country yet to grace this earth

-I choose what I want to do for the most part: The joys of freedom.

I think you get the point. I bet I could have easily gone on to make that list more than one hundred points long.

And yet I'm unsatisfied. Going over that list should make me feel overjoyed, but really I feel very little emotion when I read it over. Sad Huh? What on earth is wrong with me? Are my greedy ambitions unquenchable?

It seems that every time I am blessed with something or succeed, It just drives me to want something better. This is good for it creates progress, but morally it seems wrong. I feel like a soulless greedy bastard, and I don't want to be. I can't find a solution.

So I'm going to go to Japan and meditate with master chu te nii for a while and reflect and solve this problem.

Ha, guess what! I just started complaining about complaining!

Where does it all end?

God.

Is God used as a convinience? When things are going good God doesn't exist except maybe in the back of your mind. What about when things are bad? Suddenly God is back. Either to pray to, or to blame, or to escape too depending on your religious situation with him.

Why is this? If he is out there why isn't he directing me?! I want to have some comfort. Why should life be some huge test?

Why did he give us free will in which we could mess up bad enough to spend an eternity or so in HELL!!! Was he bored?

Or does he not exist? Gasp. I won't go there. Personally, I can't beleive that life and conscience came about from nothing by nothing, and then returns to nothing after my 0-110 years are up.

Anyways, I just wish I could have a few encounters with this God of mine, and most christians. It'd be a nice change.

Political Craps

You think you know anything? Anyone who says anything about politics? Well unless your in the heat of it yourself and/or can read the mind of politicians then you don't. All you have is what the media tells you. By the way, the media is as damn bias as you or me.

If you watch Fox, Obama will ruin you.

If you watch ABC, Mccain will ruin you.

Ah!?

Who knows? I'm republican, but Bush screwed up royally. Or did he? Is everything his fault? Any other president would have went to war too. He made some bad decisions though after the war took off that screwed him up publicly. Other than that he doesn't have enough control to screw over a whole country. That was the greedy ass CEO's faults, and the general government. And normal citizens. You can't blame your problems on Bush.

Anyways,

Obama could do amazing, bring our country into an age of prosperity. Or he could screw up and take us farther downhill.

Mccain could bring us back to square one and give us another chance from the base of which made us so great in the first place. Or could he bring us back to never come back again?

How should we know?- Well that's my point. You really can't until things are set in motion, as in once its too late.

So you think your know your politicians? You think that your right and everyone else is wrong?

Then get your head out of your ass. Please.

Concept: We are oblivious to 99.999999...% of everything and anything. 

-The starving kid in China named Chi' Lou, or the bartender of Joe's Drinks in chicago who just lost his finger, or Jessica and her new born baby. Or the cluster of bacteria on the tip of an ancient sword buried at the bottom of the sea. Or the cluster of bacteria under your toe nail.

The list could go on forever, because technically there is unlimited matter in the universe right? Well depends on your religion I guess.  

Its a crazy idea to think about though, I can't explain all of the possibilities thats for you to do in your own deep pondering mind.

God Bless-

(By the way, Im sure you've wondered at one point in your life why, after soaking in a hot tub, or bath, your fingers and toes become pruney. Well, a thick tough layer of skin covers the tips of your fingers, your toes, and the soles of your feet. If you sit in a bathtub for a long period of time, your skin absorbs water and expands. Unlike the skin on the rest of your body, the skin on your fingers and toes has no place to expand, so it just buckles. This causes the skin to wrinkle, which gives it the "pruney" effect.)

A man with an IQ of 25 could quote the census of 5,000 different US cities, including the number of hotels in each city, and the number of rooms in each of the hotels.

A man with an IQ of 50 could translate among 16 different languages with ease.

High Scale Robberies.

I get ticked off at the prospect of having a large chunk of my paycheck someday going to programs that are leached off of by lazy ass poor people. They do everything they can to lynch of the system, but lack any spirit at all when it comes to making ends meet by themselves.

I would love to help out a poor family with money or investment if they are striving to support themselves as best they can but don't have the means or manpower to do it themselves, don't get me wrong I have a heart.

My dad fights against me having to pay for the lazy, rotten, money sucking-(I cannot find a suitable word that's not offensive but still gets my point through, so use your imagination) blanks that will rely on me and other soon to be tax payers. It drains us, and it won't go away because it doesn't actually solve any problems. It just throws money at it to shut it up for a short while. Of course, I have little say in what MY money is thrown at. Its easy enough to pay for huge programs when your not spending your own money isn't it democrats. Anyways, I sure wish that these programs would monitor who is getting money. It should be people who absolutely need it, not stagnant do nothings.

If you ask me it's blunt theft.

Beware though, its the Rich with their heads stuck up their billion dollar suit bottoms who are doctoring record books in the huge companies that are going bankrupt that are really ruining everyone.

I don't know how it works exactly, I was talking with Dan and his Dad, Doug, about this a few nights ago. The amount of money these people are making in bonuses depends on how much the company is making. Apparently its pretty easy then for someone to make a 1,000,000 thousand dollar credit account look like a 10,000,000 million dollar credit account. Thus making the business look more profitable, thus paying out huge bonuses to these individuals.

When it all comes down to it in the end though, the companies end up going bankrupt because of the huge wages paid to these people in charge of books and the lack of actual money the business has.

This Screws Everyone, unless you have a billion dollars stored away. Then don't worry about it.

I made all these numbers up in jest to describe best the concept that I was getting at.


What can you do about this? Vote, complain, riot. Alright, don't actually riot, but do complain and get these people in jail forever. They are robbing America itself of her hard earned riches. (this means you, if you haven't realized it yet. Yes, even you, the 16 year old sophomore that's most likely reading this, or the 30 year old average Joe worker with a family, or the 23 year old college student. It hurts us all)

It is really amazing how fast like emotions fade to nothing.

I don't like that. Not at all.

It's uncomfortable

Shelby

What an interesting specimen to try to decipher.

Everyone needs to have someone there to really make them feel emotions to the fullest. She does this like no other. I find everything funny when in her presence, many of which I would normally find quite bland. I'm constantly surprised by her wit, her smarts, her deep sense of presence. Its intimidating at times. She's a beacon in the night when I'm lost in the thought that there are no girls out left out there with brain matter used for more than coordinating there hands for the lathering of makeup. I respect it so much, and I'm glad to know her for it.

Now that I'm done sucking up, I'll get on with some history. I met her in 7th grade, in something tech. where I called her fat incessantly. Probably because I liked her, and I was sort of chubby, and she wasn't fat at all. But anyways that's all the social interaction that I experienced for a while.

In 8th grade we had geography together and talked some, but we hit it off in 9th grade when we hung in history. I developed a huge crush. I felt like I finally had someone that I actually liked and it was a nice feeling. I was going to conjure up the balls to say something about it when I figured out she was going for an older kid. This crushed me and I gave up instantly and settled for friendship, same old same old. Then in spring we had track meets together huddled in tents for hours and we bonded some there, and I felt the old fire spark up a little. I didn't let it take over though. Over the summer we didn't talk much, but with the beginning of school we once again came into contact and that brings me into the present times.

Math, the class I would normally be least excited for is now one of my favorite class periods because I sit next to her. Even if we don't talk much, I get the pleasure of sneaking little glances at her. This is sure to bring up some random memory of us at one point or another and make me smile. (and she's hot and nice to look at ;D) When we do talk I choke on the butterflies. I feel my IQ drop a few points and I realize how stupid I can sound when I'm trying to impress her. It's a terrible and lovely feeling all in the same moment. I'm a Fool.

So you've guessed it, I've got the same old crush on her again. I can't help it I swear its a spell set upon me to control and warp me. I don't know the cure for it either, and I don't think I want to know.

So this all happens, and we are only two weeks into school. We don't really hang out much sadly, with sports and school and the distance between our houses its quite the juggling act. The one real time we hung one on one was great. We did homework, how romantic. Then we drove around some and got tea that I'm now utterly addicted to. (I blame Shelby for my caffeine addiction) but what I remember most is when I went to drop her off we laid on top of my van and looked at a vast and star filled sky. It was amazing.

Through the visual splendour of it all, I can only remember how I was totally blinded by how much I wanted to hold her hand, to give her a small kiss goodbye and drive away warm and happy despite the chill of the night. Maybe I should have, but I'm unreasonable conservative.

When I get home I snap back to reality. Like all girls she'll just want to keep it friends. I'm terribly hard to date, it must be very hard to take me seriously. It's up to her, I'm well experienced when it comes to this situation and I've learned not to get too caught up in it or to take it personally at all.

Don't get me wrong, I still have hope. It just comes in a thicker, less friendly armor.

To sum things up, I'm exceedingly glad to have this soul touch upon my life. She's improved me, altered my views and inspired me to be things I wouldn't be elsewise.

She's broken my heart without knowing it. At the same time she's made it bigger and stronger.

She's made me laugh more than anyone except Dan, but that's impossible to beat. My spline is proof to that.

She lowers my IQ. But I lower hers more. Its really quite a treat to watch happen.

I won't tell her I love her, because I agree with her blog on how utterly overused and rendered useless those three words are. It's just I'm warmly admiring and glued to her every attribute.

Confusion

I've been going through a mess of emotions. Life can be Simple. And yet, its so utterly complicated its impossible to explain. Life can seem so so Shallow. But Its so so Deep.

I can explain myself in two ways.

-I'm Kyle Larsen, a teenage boy with a normal family of 4 in a small town in Minnesota. I go to school and get good grades and have good friends. I'm in sports, and I enjoy arts and music. I want to go to college and travel, and raise a family. -Life in a nutshell.

-I'm Kyle Larsen, a hormonally imbalanced charge of electric passion that complicatedly intertwines itself in many different lives. I'm getting an education for God knows what lies ahead, and Im trying constantly to find myself and the point of it all. I exercise to get rid of the stress that comes from trying to please a load of different people with contradicting pleasurful values. Art is Cool. Music paints a world around me that I myself can only see, I can escape within and peacefully be myself in moments of harmonic tuning. Someday im going to turn my brain into mud and then mold it into something great by going to a college. I want to change the world, and thats my best tool to do so. I want to have Kids and see them become succesful and happy, but God knows how much I must sacrifice to accomplish this ultimate responibility. Best part is, all of this runs through my mind and yet I feel as empty as a shell most of the time and it scares me. -Still life in a nutshell, just a bigger nut.

What would it take to fully explain life with just words? A billon well written books? Ha.

Its not possible, and that scares me for some reason. Even in my mind I can't untangle this knot of thoughts and feelings. Things change so quickly and sometimes so profoundly that it still shocks me when it happens.

What was the point of this blog? I just needed to vent, thats what. There wasn't a main theme to work off of.

I can't have an opinion on my opinion, can I?

(Inspiration coming from shelby with a puzzle metaphor: Life is a huge puzzle set. You can put the outside together pretty easily, just match the pieces that are easy because they all have one or two bluntly flat sides. Not hard. But get into the middle and its almost impossible to start. You might get lucky and fit bits together here and there but as a whole its almost impossible to comprehend without a lifetime of observation. And I don't have time to constantly observe my life because I have to be living it. ((Not cliche or anything with the whole I have to be living it part, but I failed to come up with something better on the spot))....)

Fear: The Media Show.

Hurricanes, Fires, Economic doom, War Casualties, Genocides. Sound familiar? If you have ears and a boob tube than I'll answer that for you. YES. Its because that's all the news is about, especially on a national level. True, here and there a story of hope, of courage and human love is featured, but I don't think that anywhere near enough of these stories are dug up and fed to the public. We have a terrible diet filled with fear, because fear sells, fear sells easily. Everyone has to make money, yes even journalists.

A story on the Economy and how its going to hell, or of a famine in God knows where is simple to write about and everyone reads it, obviously its interesting. I'm not going to say we shouldn't be informed about these things by any means, but I wish there was some balance. As many stories on good deeds, prosperity, American pride, human victory over some kind of oppression, heck anything would be great. A country uplifted on the inspiration of goodwill and a positive backset would, in my opinion, be way more successful than one that is constantly mumbling and grumbling about this and that.

So people, get inspired. Read your news and learn of disasters and oppressions and then do something, anything, to counter them. There is much hope out there, you just have to dig a little deeper and try a little harder to find it. Once you've found it I think it should be inspiration to do something about all the evils of our world.

I suggest the Christian Science Monitor, It updates one on world news and at the same time sets out a positive message. It has examples of people overcoming these problems, not just the people who were doomed by them.